*blushing*

So, I just did one of the most embarrassing things ever. I admitted to my brother that I can't buy groceries this week. You know, I've always been the big sister - the one who took care of the others. And now, things are looking bleak. But, he gave me some perspective, and I think he was happy to be able to provide me with some idea that being broke isn't the end of the world. I will survive this and things will get better. And it doesn't involve eating mac & cheese for the foreseeable future.

her green plastic watering can

Ok, so, I don't even like Radiohead, but I think Cher Horowitz said it best: "ugh, the maudlin music of the University station - waa, waa, waa." I guess I'm just in a maudlin mood. Actually, I don't even KNOW if i'm in a maudlin mood. I'm such a fake myself. I don't even know what maudlin means, really - I'mma go look it up. Just a sec... Well, thank you Merriam-Webster: drunk enough to be emotionally silly or weakly and effusively sentimental. I guess I'm 2 for 2 tonight. Slightly drunk and ponderous do not make for good blogging. I won't take it personally if you discontinue reading. But, do you ever do that? Use words when you don't really know what they mean? The other day I found myself using the word "trope" ostensibly correctly, but only because I used it in a social script I've heard before. I really have no idea what that word means either. Just another sec... a common or overused theme or device; a cliche. Oh. Well, that makes sense, but I totally used it wrong. Just goes to show that the people I was talking to had no idea what it means either. Like the word "asymptote." I love that word, but the professor I'm working for has filled an entire article about her educational theories with that word, using it in a way that has absolutely nothing to do with the dictionary definition of it, but yet, sort of comes slightly close, if you squint and take crazy pills. And it's not entirely her fault, as she is basing her article on another article by this guy, who uses "asymptote" incorrectly through his entire work. When do you get important enough that you can use a word incorrectly, but it becomes correct to mean something it doesn't mean, only because you're cool/smart/respected enough that you can make up meanings to words and say it with a straight face. I'm just going to start doing it, and wait for people to call me on it. Let's see how many times I can get away with this. I'll document them here, when I can remember. Don't forget - I'm now cool/smart/respected enough to get away with this. Only because I've said I am. So let's start - I've decided that "alleviate," in the following context only, will now mean "rendered ineffectual."

I think Kurokawa's theories are "alleviated" by his incessant self-promotion, insofar as he fits his theories to his projects in order to create out of nothing a cohesive whole. This alleviation should reduce the merit that we ascribe to his projects, but somehow results in the opposite: Kurokawa is revered for his elastic theories, and other architectural practician/theoreticians are catching on. It will only be a matter of time before the architectural community realizes that Gehry's entire career is based on his imitation of this alleviation. But, it takes a true master to so completely alleviate one's theories while maintaining a viable architectural practice, such as Kurokawa's.

Wow - that actually sounds reasonably decent. Let's see if anyone buys what I'm selling. Cause I have WAY more shit where this came from...

year end survey

1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? Get a tattoo
2. Did you keep your new years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year? I did, actually - I'm eating better and have stuck to my vegetarian regimen. And I will make another resolution, though I doubt I'll keep this one. I'd tell you, but isn't that like telling what a birthday wish is?
3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No.
4. Did anyone close to you die? No.
5. What countries did you visit? Spain, France, Belgium, the Netherlands, and Germany. Yay study abroad!
6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? Stable finances?
7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? May 7-8, 2008. And it's a secret.
8. What was your biggest success? Figuring out that I don't have to please everyone.
9. What was your biggest failure? Well, I didn't have any really big failures, but I would say that comparatively, my failure to get anyone else interested in the student journal is a decent failure. But I'll show them... *shakes fist*
10. Did you suffer illness or injury? No.
11. What was the best thing you bought? My computer with CS3 and Rhino. It means I can work in the relative comfort of my home, rather than at school - it makes life so much nicer...
12. Whose behavior merited celebration? The people that voted for Obama.
13. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed? My own, on occasion.
14. Where did most of your money go? Printing. Seriously. Architecture school is all about printing and model making - and I spent a fair amount on that, as well.
15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? It is hard to come up with stuff that summarizes the year, and not right now. So, right now, I'm really really really excited about starting this student journal (also really really really scared and nervous, but w/e). But, over the course of the year, I was excited about many things: my Europe trip, dating, being on my own, living my new life, my new apartment, etc.
16. What song will always remind you of 2008? Gimme More - Britney Spears. That's kind of sad, actually...
17. Compared to this time last year, are you a.happier or sadder? b. thinner or fatter? c. richer or poorer?
a. Sadder, I think. I miss home a lot. b. thinner, for sure; c. much, much, much poorer.
18. What do you wish you'd done more of? making some money.
19. What do you wish you'd done less of? spending money.
20. How will you be spending Christmas? I spent it at my mum's playing cards with my brother and my grandparents
21. Did you fall in love in 2008? Kind of, yeah. And as they say, love hurts.
22. What was your favorite TV program? Dexter Dexter Dexter!!!!!!!! Yeah, it merits that many exclamation points.
23. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? I try not to hate anyone anymore. It's not worth the effort. I find that indifference works better, because it truly conveys how little these people matter to me.
24. What was the best book you read? Metabolism in Architecture by Kisho Kurokawa. That's also kind of sad...
25. What was your greatest musical discovery? Lily Allen (given to me by Christine for my b'day last year) and chill-out (a collection of which was given to me by my brother for Christmas last year)
26. What did you want and get? Hahaha - a girl never kisses and tells.
27. What did you want and not get? Lottery winnings - or a sugar daddy. Just kidding about the sugar daddy part. Sort of...
28. What was your favorite film of this year? Sex and the City. It was so fun!
29. What did you do on your birthday? ON my birthday, I went out in C'bus with my friends from studio (the boys actually humored me and went to a dance club after dinner for about 10 mins before bailing. I appreciate that!). We were out very late, and I crashed at Katelin's. FOR my birthday, I got my tattoo "God is in the details" on the inside of my left wrist. Even my grandparents didn't mind it - and that is saying a LOT.
30. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? We can always wish for more THINGS, but I would wish for contentment with what I have.
31. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? I would say "older student looking casually fabulous." Mostly heels, jeans, pretty shirts and jackets. Oh! And scarves. Lot's of scarves.
32. What kept you sane? I'm sane? When did that happen?
33. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? Out of sight, out of mind means TB is off the list this year, but I think I'd have to say Michael C. Hall. So pretty...
34. What political issue stirred you the most? The election, though I got really tired of it about a month before it happened since I'm in a swing state and was bombarded with campaign ads.
35. Who did you miss? My brother. He's just really important to me, and I don't get to see him very often. Like, only once this year.
36. Who was the best new person you met? I don't like this question. It is trying to make me play favorites with people, which I do not appreciate. So I will just say that I met several people this year that I think have added a lot of value to my life. Some of them add professional or academic value, some personal, many both.
37. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008? The best you can be isn't "perfect." It is just the best you can be, and shooting for perfect is an unreasonable goal.
38. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year:
"plus ca change, plus c'est la meme chose - the more that things change, the more they stay the same." "Circumstances" Rush.
Also:
"if it keeps on rainin' levee's going to break. When the levee breaks, I'll have no place to stay." "When the Levee Breaks" Led Zeppelin.

There comes a time

I won't say it comes for every person, but it HAS come for me. I think part of it is getting older. You know, I'm soon to be not just 30, but IN my 30's. There's a difference. It may be subtle, but it's there. In any event, the time has come in my life where I'm asking myself what will be my legacy. I'm getting to the point where kids are looking less and less likely, though I wouldn't object to having them at some point, but generally, that's an endeavor best (not "only," but "best") undertaken as a duo, in my opinion, and that, too, is looking less and less likely. I think I'm getting picky. But I digress, as per usual. So if offspring isn't my gift to the world, what IS? A legacy is generally determined at the end of life, and not in the middle (or infancy, as Li would say), but here I am marking the course for my own destiny. Well, at least the first step, anyway. In some small way, I feel like I'm putting a drop in the bucket of my obligation to society this winter by starting a student journal at school. You know, the students here work so hard (as they do at all architecture schools, I imagine), but they get so little respect or recognition. Even the professors that teach here act as though they are deigning to be in our presence, rather than acknowledging that without us, they really wouldn't exist. So, rather than leave recognition to the professors (who generally have their heads up their bums, and only like stuff that looks reMARKably like the stuff THEY produce), I'm recognizing projects that are interesting, innovative, creative, well thought-out, or just that I liked. I'm trying to include a broad range of projects, but I also want to curate the projects into a theme - some thread that connects all the projects together. I guess I'll determine that when I look at the projects and see if a theme emerges. Otherwise, I'll just pull something out of my butt and call it "brilliant!" I say "I" because, at this point, I'm the only one working on this, but we shall see what the future holds. So, there you have it. Tangents is born. And this way, I avoid 3 am feedings. Huzzah!

If it keeps on rainin', levee's going to break

You know what's really hard? Realizing you like someone, but having no guts whatsoever to try to get to know them better. Why do I feel like I'm not interesting or that I'm not worthy of someone's romantic attention? I don't know. All I know is I don't have time to worry about this stuff. I wish guys knew that women want THEM to approach. It would make life so much easier. I can't tell you how many times I've just wanted a guy to say "hey - coffee?" It's just that easy. I suppose it's just that easy for me too, but for some reason, it feels like it is more difficult for me.

Anyhoo, the quarter is winding to a close. I still have a ton of work to do over break. SO much work, actually. I owe a few hours on my research assistantship, and I have a LOT of grading to do to get final grades in for my history students. But, it all is to a purpose I suppose. I really love architecture - especially the theory parts - but I just don't know what I'm doing anymore. I've pretty much had my foundations shaking for the last 2 years, and every time I feel like I'm stable on them again, another shake-up comes. I guess I'm just feeling discouraged this year. Something about it feels "off" and I can't seem to get on track. Like, I researched a lot this summer on a paper that I wanted to write, got really far in the research and was formulating my analysis of my topic, and then had the rug ripped out from under me as soon as school started. And by "rug ripped out from under me," I mean told that I'm wasting my time. I want to ignore the nay-sayers, but I can't help but wonder if they're right. Am I wasting my time? Should I just go back to the law? I was certainly good at that, but it was soulless and soul-stealing work. I suppose I could find another kind, but I don't know. My heart's not in it. I just wish I had a magic 8 ball...

Stole this from Lisa

7 things I did before:
1. Sleep 8 hours a night
2. Work as a lawyer
3. Work out every day
4. Eat meat
5. Hug my husband
6. Drank wine with my best friend once a week (man, this is starting to get depressing...)
7. Work. Period.

7 things I do now:
1. Use a computer modeling software EVERY DAY.
2. Teach history
3. Eat well as a vegetarian (thanks to my nutritionist)
4. Not date (can a "not" be something you "do"?)
5. Get excited about school
6. Drink tea regularly
7. Vaccuum

7 things I want to do:
1. Get a Ph.D
2. Write a publishable article
3. Move home
4. Find a permanent job teaching
5. Travel more
6. Win the lottery. Or a sugar daddy/mama...
7. Trust people more

7 of my favorite foods:
1. the potato in its many forms (can't agree more, Li!)
2. tofu - isn't that crazy??
3. artichokes
4. ice cream. Almost all kinds, but i'm not a huge fan of coffee based flavors.
5. asparagus
6. cheese
7. wine

7 of the things I say most often:
1. Did I lock my car?
2. I swear to god, I'd forget my head if it wasn't attached to my body.
3. No, I won't give you more extra credit/no, you can't have an extension
4. I'm getting coffee - anyone want?
5. I'm just so FRUSTRATED!!
6. Ugh, he's so childish. (wow, is that a commentary)
7. And this is why I HATE people.

So over, we need a new word for over

Hopefully, anyway. So, I think I'm over him. He's kind of a selfish child, when I think about it. Do you know the term "damning by indifference?" Well, yeah. Could have used some actual help, rather than misplaced, mistimed, nonsense. And stop asking for favors!

kicking ass and taking names

So, Rob is moving back home already. Turns out the girl he went to Ireland for is a complete psycho. Suffice it to say, Rob moved into a hostel, is traveling around Ireland a bit, and then heading home to start, as he says, "real life." Bully for him! I'm glad he's having a life changing experience, though.

As for me, I'm stretched to the limit, but I keep taking on more. Can't help it. There's so much I want to do! Starting a student journal (that's the biggie), researching, writing, classes, teaching, studio, running student council, and dealing with a giant adult baby. But don't worry - I'm kicking ass and taking names, so I'll come out on top - never fear. I'm making a name for myself, and that will hopefully follow me through my career. We shall see what the future holds...

Missing

Well, my little brother moved to Dublin today. I haven't seen him since last Christmas, and now I'm not likely to see him for a long time. I'm really happy for him that he's found some direction in his life - at least to the point where he's recognized that he wasn't happy and needed a change. But, I'm really sad that I didn't get to see him before he left. I miss him terribly, and it just sucks all around that we can't be within visiting distance of each other. I know he's going to have an amazing experience, and I wish him so much love and fun. But I'm selfish, really. I just wish we'd gotten a chance to visit - my mom got to see him, my dad did too... I don't know. Something about this school year so far is off for me, and this is only highlighting it. I have a bad attitude about classes, and I'm not sure what that's about. I wish I knew...

Again?!?!

Gosh, I know this is a tedious subject, but clearly it's on my mind. Why does he make me so Daisy Duck when he's around? I just act like a cartoon version of a female. It's so bad! He's on my mind all the time, and I can't help it. Right now, I should be doing work. LOTS of work, but I can't help wondering what he's doing right now... Sigh. I'm a dithering idiot with a shut-down eHarmony account. All other distractions aside, I just don't have time to deal with these guys. One guy turned me down because I'm "too successful educationally" for him; another guy (who is 27, mind you) turned me down for being too old (30 is OLD?!?!). It just takes too much effort. I guess there's time for dating when I graduate. My mom will get her wish, though. I'm not likely to have any real partner-prospects by the time I graduate, and I told her if I didn't have any, I'd have a kid on my own, so she'd get her precious grandchildren (not that I don't want kids, myself). Anyhoo, I guess I'll end up a single parent after all. Meh. I can do it.

Architecture is dead

Dear Jeffrey, (I learned you hate the way American's shorten names)

I've been thinking a lot about what you said in class that Architecture is a "field that's dead." In thinking about this, I've made a couple of assumptions, of which you can feel free to disabuse me. (1) that "architecture" and "the field of architecture" are one and the same. (2) if architecture is dead, then it has no future. I can't disagree or agree with you, because I don't know enough about it, but I find it a curious position for you to take. It seems very cynical, and you don't seem like a cynical person. In fact, you seem like one of the only people I've met through my architectural education that seems to LIKE architecture. In your descriptions of architecture, you start from what's good. I find that refreshing. Everyone else seems to start from what's horrible, and, as you pointed out, what does that really get us, in the end? Not too much to work with. With this background in mind, it just makes your statement all the more confusing. If you believe architecture is dead, then why teach architecture? Change fields, as you so easily tell us, to something that DOES have a future. Moreover, to continue teaching a field that you believe has no future is to conspire to perpetrate a fraud upon thousands of students, don't you think? Why let them believe that they are studying something with a future? I suppose part of your answer to that might be that you TELL us straight out that it has no future, but that seems a cop-out, since we've already paid and shown up for classes. Should we be seeking our money back from the administration for that failure as well? I hope you don't think I'm being insolent or insulting. I certainly mean no disrespect. I simply am trying to process your statement, and thought you might be able to help. Turning to architecture was an extremely personal decision for me - probably the first important decision I've ever made JUST for me. So you can see why I might have a lot invested in my education this time around. I know your time is exceedingly limited, but I would appreciate any comments you might have - even if it's in the form of public ridicule in class. I'm at a point in my life where it isn't going to hurt my feelings if you call me out on this. Anyway, I hope your travels are safe this week, and I'll see you on Friday. Thanks so much!

--Renee L. Ripley, Esq. (haha)

Can't sleep

Can't eat. I'm nervous all the time again. And here I thought I'd be able to relax a little more this year. I'm tired, and I have a ton of work, and my mind is drifting at odd times and in odd ways. It is great, but it totally sucks.

No emotional baggage, just big bags filled with Dior

So, dinner last night. I was pretty much too nervous to eat anything, but I managed to get a couple of glasses of wine in. Oh gosh. I can't tell whether my self-esteem is too low (in which case I'd say it's not that he's into me, he's just a big flirt), or too high (in which case I'd say he's the moth to my flame). All I know is that I've been avoiding him, but he's been finding me. And then asking me out to dinnerl. It's so unfair how ridiculously good looking he is. Sigh. What am I doing to myself?

The creepiest of the creeps

So this kid I went to elementary school is apparently in jail for life without possibility of parole. Now, this normally wouldn't be such a huge deal, except that this kid was sort of my nemesis, I always found him a little creepy and weird, but my mom used to say he was the way he was because he had a crush on me. I don't believe that (that's what mom's always say in that situation), but I was also like, 8. Anyhoo, flash forward to 2004. He's sort of had problems his whole adult life with drugs and such. So he's dating this really successful criminal defense attorney in California, and they're both using cocaine a lot. Well, he heats up two spoons of cocaine, and injects it into her and watches her die in her hot tub. He then proceeds to get to the roof of her high rise apartment building, gets obliterated on cocaine and heroin, strips naked and threatens to jump. He states that he killed her because he was jealous of her, and he wanted her to die. So fucked up! So, clearly, he was convicted of murder, and is serving life without parole. I don't know how to really think about this - its just so surreal. I mean, it happened a while ago, and I didn't know him now, obviously, but its weird to think that someone you knew as a kid could do something like this...

Que Buen Dia En Barcelona!

If you haven't seen Vicky Christina Barcelona, GO. Right now. Oh, my god! It is so beautiful! It was particularly interesting for me, having just been to Barcelona this summer specifically to study the work of Gaudi, so that connection was interesting. But, the story! Oh, it is so unfair! I searched (in the minuscule free time that I had) for the perfect European Love Affair. Sadly, none fell into my lap in the way that V. and C. found adventure. But, perhaps I should consider going on next year's trip, you never know...

So, I don't know why I do these things to myself. Once in a while, I search Derek's girlfriend's myspace page, just to see what her status is. Because, in the past, she's had a status that indicated that she was pregnant, so I sort of wonder what's up with that. Well, now she's changed her profile picture to a painting Derek painted with materials I gave him for his birthday the last birthday we were together. I had hoped he'd paint something for ME with them, but sadly, that wasn't in the cards. Additionally, my most recent interest has decided to finally post on his facebook page that he's "in a relationship." Information more useful to me back in FEBRUARY. And to top things off, I have tickets to see the Lion King here in Columbus with the Broadway touring group that's traveling the country, and I have no date, and no prospect for a date. I think I'm just feeling sorry for myself tonight. I had a great work out yesterday, and I've been doing really well with the information that the nutritionist gave me, so I should be positive. But, its hard - I'm not the most patient person, and now that I've decided that I want a date, I want it NOW. I'm waiting! :P Just kidding, sort of. I want it to be right, but it would be nice to just have some fun at this point too.

Summer Summer Summer Time...

...Time to sit back and unwind! Well, summer classes are coming to a close. I'm really happy about this, as I've been continuously in classes (or school related field trips to Europe) for almost 11 months now. As much as the last two+ months haven't been as stressful as the rest of the time, I'm kicking myself for taking a class that requires me to be inside the Architecture building twice a week. During the "regular" school year, I don't leave that darn place for much besides making sure my cats don't die of starvation or dehydration. I might as well live in a storage unit for how often I'm usually at home. So, it is going to be nice to have a month off between the end of summer classes and the start of fall quarter. Of course, I say this now, but in a week, I'll be bored to tears, and wishing for a reason to see my friends.

Speaking of, it seems that close quarters really don't bring out the best in some people. In any event, I'll be glad to get new blood into the class this fall. The list that I attained by dubious means says that my class alone (the 2nd years) is getting 28 new students. My guess is that this is inflated; i.e., it includes everyone that they accepted, not just the ones that confirmed that they're coming to school. In addition, there are three students coming for just a one year program, and there are 20 more coming in as 1st years. So, that's more than 50 new people that are going to be around (if the 2nd year numbers can be believed). Last year, there were only 22 of us added. In any event, I'm really looking forward to meeting some new people.

So, I made an appointment to see a nutritionist. I'm really frustrated that I've been working out a lot this summer, and I've GAINED weight, rather than lost. First, walking all over hell and creation, errr, I mean Europe, and eating next to nothing since France apparently has never heard of vegetarianism. Then, I've been taking these two dance classes, and working out for like 3 hours on the off days for a total of like, 5 days a week of working out. So, I think it must be the diet (or lack thereof). I really need help with portion control, and I think a nutritionist can help me out.

So, that's what's going on here, and I'll leave you with my favorite picture from Europe (Brussels, in fact): The Atomium!!! Isn't it fun??

So, it comes to an end, and yet, a beginning

It appears that I'm ready to begin dating in earnest. The last guy I was really interested in was interested in me back. Validation. Since he was fairly unavailable, it is time to move on. As my best friend said, just keep him as a trophy. I have got to stop forcing things, and just let come what may. So, with that said. It is time for me to start meeting people in my area who ARE available (I tend to draw in unavailable - gay or taken seems to be the trend). Let the good times roll, and bring on the good guys! Well, I'll take the bad boys too! ;)